"You are not Superwoman"

3:30pm - Those were the words that Dr. R. told me today.  A lot of these things I probably already knew or anticipated, but to be told that yes, these are things I'm confronted with and should resolve is still a lot to absorb.  Some random notes from this morning:

• I was told that I cannot do it all.  I cannot work 24/7, whether that would be as an architect or a caregiver.  Time to focus on myself is especially important right now.  I'm supposed to look at the airplane emergency scenario.  If you need to put on oxygen masks, you put them on yourself first so that you can better assist others.  Likewise, I need to put myself first (sounds very selfish) for some time every day so that I can better help my mom.  He probed at what kinds of things I enjoy, and says that I need to continue hiking/biking every weekend and probably shouldn't take more than one weekend off each month.  That is supposed to be 'me time' during which I am not reachable, people will know that I am not reachable, and I am to focus on things that I enjoy.  I need to be around people.
• I need to give my parents boundaries.  There will be times during which I will be available, but there will also be times when I won't be.  I need to continue on with my life, just as they need to best continue on with theirs.  We need to start teaching my dad how to be more independent and take on more things that my mom would previously do.
• I took the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory.  According to it I am currently dealing with about 14 major life stress events.  Depending on how things got interpreted, my score fell between 390 and 439.  Above 300 puts you into the highest category on the scale.  No wonder I'd been feeling drained and burned out for so long.  If I don't get my stress down (and quickly), I stand an 80-90% chance of developing a stress-related illness in the next two years. Two years?!?!?!  I need to bust this.  Apparently a major thing I have working against me is a lack of support network because I don't have any family here apart from my parents, don't have any siblings, nor is there a partner I can count on as I go through these processes. Obviously we can't make an instant family appear, so I'm to focus on the following: change my thinking (look up things by Sarah Edelman - everything's checked out of the library right now), change my schedule, and focus on slowing down and relaxation.  Sounds easy, but is it? 
• I am also to get plenty of rest.  I didn't quite get this as I've been off work since the May long weekend and have been sleeping in pretty much every day.  He says that under the circumstances, I'll probably need ten hours a night for a while.  He also thinks that sleeping pills are a good idea right now as I'll need the continuous rest, not disturbed sleep where I wake up every few minutes.
• We talked about stages of adjustment.  Numbness/shock - Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance - Assimilation.  Not everyone goes through all of these, one may go through a phase more than once, and time frames can be all over the place - from minutes to weeks or months.  Also something about the hierarchy of needs - things at the bottom need to be met before those at the top can be met.

I've committed to going back in two weeks.  That way I have some time to implement this, see how the full first cycle of chemo went, and ask further questions.

To keep myself occupied, I filled up on gas, finally went to Rocky's Sausage Haus (that I've been meanting to stop at for months; their meat comes from some colony in Alberta), stopped by the Cancer Society to get my mom some caps, got groceries, and took a stroll through Walmart (cheapest place to get Q-Tips and stuff like that).

Now I got my acrylic paints out of storage, which I haven't used since I did my undergrad.  I'm feeling a little creative, so I'll paint a rock.

7:20pm - D. just e-mailed me a link to snow pillows in Alberta.  I don't know if I'm interpreting it all correctly, as that would mean about 4m of snow to deal with tomorrow.  The Kananaskis Trail report notes "clear of snow at trailhead, otherwise snow covered".  I'm taking my snowshoes as back-up.  Last year I was at Bow Hut at this time of year and needed snowshoes as well.  These are a couple of my favourite photos from hiking last year (taken at Bow Hut).

Last night I was hoping to finally be able to share some (older) news with a friend, but haven't been able to do so.  Timing just wasn't right.  Hopefully some other day.

And tonight I'll be loading up my car.  It'll be full this time as I don't know how long I'll be away, so I'm packing hiking gear, snowshoes, cycling gear, and normal stuff/books.