Another Thursday

10:45am - I got a good sleep last night with just half a sleeping pill.  This morning I already got a couple of phone calls.  One from an uncle (on my mom's side of the family) in Germany, saying he's thinking about visiting us.  We knew he'd been thinking about coming over in the fall, but now wants to make it earlier.  I think it would help us to have an additional person around.  Then a friend called, just to let me know that I need to get everything I want said to my mom.  Tell her how I feel about certain things in life, etc.  Also got an e-mail from my older cousin saying i can call her any time, day or night, and that I'm supposed to give my mom a big hug from her & A.

Now we're into the final stretch heading into the unknown - chemo.  The IV will run for about 5.25 hours tomorrow.  After that it'll be wait and see how my mom reacts.  I hope it goes well! From websites I've been reading, it sounds as if days 3-7 after chemo are the hardest.  I cried as I was on the phone with a friend this morning.  On the one hand I want to be there for my mom throughout the days and evenings at least, but on the other hand I feel like I desperately need some 'me time' and a pick-me-up for myself as well.  I'm signed up for a bike ride on Saturday, and going to have steak dinner with M. tomorrow, so I'm really looking forward to those.  Hoping that the rain dies down.

Did you know? Taxol is derived from trees.

1:30pm - Just had a long chat with my mom on the phone to find out what she wants to take to chemo tomorrow.  Not asking for much - a plain yoghurt and a banana.

I asked her about genetic testing, and ironically enough the gyne oncologist discussed this very topic with her.  We could request genetic testing (for BRACA1 and BRCA2) to find out what exactly my risk would be.  My mom would get tested first, samples are sent to some gene lab in the US, if she would test positive for those two genetic mutations, I'd get tested next.  However, with either one of us positive, no new insurance company would ever accept me.  Also, if I were positive, they would recommend removing my ovaries, something I would obviously not be ready for at this time.  My mom cried and said she doesn't want me to inherit this bad stuff from her and in turn never be able to have kids.  We could decide for as long as my mom is being treated, whether it's throughout the chemo process or surgery, but right now it seems that we'd rather not know.  That's what the oncologist said too - people who do find out at that age seem devastated, even though technically there may not even be any impact on them until much later in life.  And even with a positive gene, your chances of ever getting ovarian cancer are at about 55% (up from 5%), so still not a death sentence.

9:00pm - I got all the remaining meds for my mom from the pharmacy today.  I guess the one pill is such a fancy thing that they only let you have two at a time.  My pharmacist loves to talk, so I picked his brain about possible insurance plans for medications.  As luck would have it, the private plan that my parents have had through their credit card, and which so far has covered absolutely everything, expires in th emiddle of this month.  It'll be difficult to even find a plan that accepts people with pre-existing conditions and cover things.

As a pick-me-up I stopped by MEC inbetween running errands.  I got the Vuelta tights for cycling.  Now the weather forecast is looking better for Saturday again, so maybe I can wear my other cycling pants.

Then I stopped by the Canadian Cancer Society to look at wigs.  The two women there were exceptionally friendly.  Unfortunately they didn't have anything that looked like my mom's hair, so I'll keep looking next week.  In a way it was nice being there; it felt like a supportive environment, a respite from the hospital.

After that I stopped by the desk on my mom's unit at the hospital to drop off the form I needed signed in order to take compassionate care leave from work.  That went much quicker than expected, as an hour later one of the doctors had alredy filled it out.  And that's when it hit me - The form lists: "The patient has a serious medical condition and a significant risk of death within the next 26 weeks (6 months) - Yes."  So far everything has seemed surreal, perhaps because it's all been words and one can still think that maybe not everything is as you hear it.  But there it is, black on white.

A run to Safeway rounded off the day.  Chemo starts at 8:45am.  I have the morning/day shift with my mom, and then my dad will get there in the afternoon.  This will allow me to take tomorrow evening off, as well as the day on Saturday when I'm still planning on going cycling.  From there it'll be off to Canmore probably until the middle of next week.  We need to be back in Calgary on Wednesday as my mom has an appointment at the dyspnea clinic to have a chest drain put in which is to keep draining the fluid around her lungs.

Deep down I still feel confused.  My mom spoke to Dr. R. the psychologist today.  Everyone seems quite positive (under the circumstances anyways) and supportive.  None of this jives with the limited time my mom's been given.   While there are so many bad days, there also seem to be some good days.  Yes, she's weak, can't walk or eat much, but she's still my mom and we have to keep cherring her on to be strong.  The big achievement today was two days without pain killers.  Looking forward to a quiet evening, reading more in A Walk in the Woods, and having steak with wine tomorrow night.

11:26pm - I bought a six-pack of those Ensure meal replacements.  My mom told me to just get one in case it's gross (the smallest I could find was a six pack).  Well, I just had one sip of one and it's disgusting.  I'll let her try it without giving her my two cents, but my prediction is that this stuff will be a no-go.  Seriously, seriously gross.  Anyone interested in the rest?  Provided your taste buds are different than my family's?  They're all originally packaged and good through May 2011. 

And success: My dad can now send me basic e-mails and turn the computer on and off.  He also understands that it's ok to leave a computer on overnight as the computer can also go to sleep.