9:56pm - Just got back from the hospital. Bad day. The exact cause of the fluid around the lungs is still not known, but it is either from breast cancer tissue or ovarian cyst tissue. In either case it would be advanced stage IV, which has a very poor prognosis. Malignant pleural effusions have a median survival rate of 3-5 months. Even if they could operate on the mass in the abdomen, they'd have to try chemo first. My mom was crying and said she doesn't want to die yet. That is the worst thing you could hear. I am hanging on to every ounce of hope that might be left that it is something benign and will at least give us some time together, even though all the tests done so far indicate otherwise. I'm numb. We thought we had hit the jackpot when we found out the breast cancer was stage I and chemo wouldn't be required. Never in our wildest dreams did we think that just weeks later we'd be dealing with one of the worst cancer prognoses that are out there. Those types have less than 5% survival at 5 years and that's not even with the fluid around the lungs. Ironically enough - and I didn't want to say anything because I din't want to jinx anything - about 4 nights ago I had a dream about an older woman's swollen abdomen.
I went for some hairdresser therapy. My hairdresser's dad has been going through chemo for years, so she knows what this is about. She says my hair has been thinning a lot (I had noticed hair on my pillow recently, but never thought anything of it) and she says my waist is much thinner (not complaining about that). She kept telling me to take care of myself and to do things for me. Apparently as I was away from the hospital for a couple of hours, my mom and dad decided that they still want me to go on the trip. Each time I say no, she cries and says she feels guilty. I don't want that either, but I really don't know.
I got The Secret from the library today. Someone had mentioned it last week, so I figured I'd be open-minded. I had no idea what it's even about. Read the first third of it and not sure what to make of it. There's talk about positive thinking, which I guess I could use. Right now I'll do anything I can to have some hope and to keep myself going. This morning I felt really positive about things - walked into work as on any normal day. All of a sudden simple every-day things stand out as being real blessings - seeing the food court made me appreciate it (how silly is that?), and simply walking out the front door made me realize how lucky we are to be able to do those things. I want my mom to be able to do those things too, and to be pain-free.
I love my Mom :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment