Saturday

1:16pm - It was a difficult night for my mom.  She didn't sleep and worries too much about what we'd do without her.  She wants to colour her hair this afternoon, so I'm off to run errands for her, pick up some hair colour, and then we'll give it a go.  I brought buns and brie, so managed to get her to eat a little bit at least.  Stairs are difficult and the house feels way too big, so she wants me to contact her realtor friend as well, see if we can sell it and find a 2- or 3-bedroom condo in Canmore.  My parents dearly love this place, especially after having been in here for close to 20 years, but something smaller and without stairs would be a wise choice.  We're not sure now what is going through my dad's head.  We think he's not fully comprehending the limited time we have got.  And again, she cried because she wanted me to be on vacation, says I'd alsmost be in Colorado now, and instead I have to take care of her.  I keep telling her that this is much more precious and we can enjoy things here much more together than if they were here alone and I were alone in Colorado.  It's snowing and a dreary day.

On an aside, one thing that struck me at F. Hospital is how the unit that she's on is divided.  There are two corridors - one for antepartum, and one for gynecological cancers.  It feels weird.  Why do they mix the two?  Then again, each time I see a child now I think of life.  Precious.

8:32pm - It's been a difficult day.  My mom desperately wants more time.  The radiation oncologist also told her that it has spread extensively in the abdomen.  She says she saw a documentary on new ovarian cancer treatment at the Mayo Clinic, so I'm starting to research that.  I know I need to be there for my mom, but also need to take care of myself.  I think I'll go back to Calgary for tomorrow night just to distract myself for a bit.

11:31pm - More of an emotional rollercoaster.  In the last few hours we've flip-flopped between total sadness and almost happy/normal a few times.  My mom's been looking after life insurance and things like that.  I tell her she doesn't need to look after those things, but still listen so that I could help my parents figure things out.  My dad's not tuned in to any of this and wouldn't even know where to find bank accounts, house insurance, or related things that need to be taken care of.  Meanwhile I'm not sure where I'm at.  Is this grief?  What stage?  I only cried once today.  Is this numbness?  Or acceptance or denial?

I made dinner which got all of us to eat more than we have been.  Had strawberries for desert, complete with whipped cream. 

Advice from mom: Screw work and screw the stress.  Travel and enjoy things while you're young.  Get ultrasounds every year and let those doctors feel inside of you.  I never thought I'd have conversations with her as to who could feel inside of me.  Now it's normal.

Thanks to those of you who've been sending e-mails.  I know I haven't been responding to everything, but it really helps to know people care.  Otherwise I'd probably be a wreck too.