More waiting & updates - Tuesday

2:49am - Just got back from the hospital.  They drained 1.5L of fluid build-up, with at least another L to go in the next two weeks or so.  They say cancer is probable.  Malignant pleural effusions do not have good outcomes.  I don't know what to think.  It'll be a 2-5 day wait until results from the fluid come back.  Another x-ray and CT scan are being done tonight.  I told my mom I'll cancel my trip, but she kept saying how she'd feel so guilty if I did. I'm torn between absolutely everything.  I wanted to stay in Emergency with her, but I also need some sleep.  What do I tell family?  Who do I turn to for a support network?  I'm just as scared now a I was during the initial diagnosis.  Off to bed here, and I'm taking my teddy bear as I need a hug.

7:50am - No updates from Emergency this morning.  My mom's off for an ultrasound.  I'm supposed to call back after 8:30.  Didn't get any sleep.

To Do:

• Cancel flights (up to 4 hours prior to departure) - check if all can be done through Air Miles or airlines as well. Air Miles Monday to Friday 8 a.m.- 9 p.m. (Eastern Time). 1-888-AIR MILES
• Cancel rental car
• Cancel hotels
• Cancel points stay nights

9:07am - My mom's been in ultrasound for the last two hours.  I'm going to the hospital for the morning.  And I am desperately hoping that there'll be a miracle at the end of this and they'll find another cause; it's one of those times where being told it's pneumonia or something would be a relief.  Sunny day helps at least; it's a bit less depressing that way.  My dad's also been called into his doctor's place to discuss his blood tests.  He's had elevated PSA levels.  Hoping for the best there too.

3:44pm - I'm home from the hospital for three hours to try to get some sleep.  This morning they discovered a mass on my mom's ovaries which measures 12cm x 13cm.  We're waiting for the CA125 cancer marker test results - hopefully will still get that today.  They also don't know where the fluid around the lungs is from yet.  You're put on edge when they take you out of a typical emergency department stretcher bay into a private room.  We design those spaces, and I know they're not good news.  This afternoon they took her up to the gynecology/oncology unit.  She has a bed by the window, facing the mountains.

So, now they're thinking there are two possible causes which are being investigated:

• The Arimidex may have caused the fluid around the lungs.  We also don't know yet if that fluid contains cancer cells or not.  They think this is 'probable'.
• The ovarian cyst may have contributed to the fluid around the lungs.  We also don't know yet if the cyst could be malignant.   They think it 'strongly indicates' that it is. In 45-50% of women over 50 they are.

Things done today: chest drained, chest x-ray, CT scan, ultrasounds, abdominal examinations.

It's hard to see your mom cry. Right now I don't know what I can do.

Positives for today:

• Being able to go for a full walk around the unit with my mom.  This is much further than shes been able to walk the entire last week.
• Having lunch with my mom, even if it is just hospital food.  The meatballs were actually good.
• My dad's blood tests were mostly normal.  Only elevated cholesterol, which in the greater scheme of things is nothing.

4:25pm - Can't get through to a person at Air Miles for another 25 minutes.  They tell me flights cannot be cancelled even in case of family emergency.  If I hold for this long (by which time I'd be asleep), they might work out rebooking something, but I'd have to know exact dates right away, which I don't.  I don't have time to deal with this right now.  Ugh.

5:15pm - Sitting at home and googling stuff isn't helping me.  My dad called to say he's going back to Canmore for the night.  My mom's feeling down.  She wants her hair washed, so I'm going in and taking a hairdryer and curling iron.  Hopefully that'll give us some bonding time. 

They'll be re-doing our condo's public areas (hallways, etc.) and open house is tonight at 7.  I'm curious as to what they have planned (and hope they picked some acceptable colours), but I guess that really doesn't matter so I'm skipping it.

8:42pm - Back from the hospital.  Had dinner with my mom & did her hair, which was a good distraction.

Tomorrow I'm planning on going in to work for 6 hours or so, then go to the hospital, and then have my hair cut.  Thursday my mom might get to go home, so will have to play it by ear.  I might end up taking half of Friday off as well to head out to Canmore provided results over the next couple of days are good and I might still be going on the trip.  My mom was in tears begging me to still go.  On the one hand I think I'd feel incredibly guilty, especially as I extended this trip to 10 days now, while on the other hand I feel I need to get away from things and shift my focus for a while.  Maybe it would allow me to come back more rejuvenated so that I could focus more on my mom afterwards.  I'll also have to figure out what to do with work.  At this rate with all the doctor's appointments and things I could probably just work three days a week.  I would be very, very afraid going away though if there are cancerous cells either in the fluid around the lungs or the cyst in the abdomen.  Prognoses for either of those scenarios are not good at all. If we were to get that unfortunate news, I'd want to spend as much time as possible with my mom.  In the meantime, I think I've figured that if I were to shift careers, I'd go into nursing.  I wouldn't want the responsibility of the doctors, but I do like helping people.