Reaching Contentment

Something happened this morning.  The air was nice and crisp (love that) and I was walking to work, when for the very first time I felt that maybe, just maybe, it'll be ok to go through with all those surgeries.  Maybe it's a coping mechanism to allow me to deal with tomorrow's news even though we virtually know what it'll be.  I woke up scared for my mom, for being a BRCA carrier would put her at a much greater risk of a breast cancer recurrence, and with that they suggest mastectomies.  And yet, the confirmation of BRCA is the only thing that will end up giving me a 50:50 chance of escaping it.  No other result would do that.  She goes for a mammogram next week and I sense she's scared.  I think we're all scared.  I think that's why I've decided that I can do this - sacrifice things I had dreamed of for a chance at life without cancer. 

It was March 17th of last year when it all began with the breast cancer diagnosis.  I wonder what this year's March 17 will throw at us.  Will we be able to mark the end of the most challenging year?  Yesterday I ended up going for an evening drive.  No destination in mind, but somehow I ended up at Shopper's on Centre Street.  I figured it's time for a few treats, so got myself a big bag of epsom salts, a couple of face masks, and a bath oil - time to indulge tonight.  Now I'm out to get some healthy food for myself for the morning (not going into work before genetics at 10), and maybe find myself a lucky clover.  Superstitious perhaps, but I think we should celebrate - celebrate life, celebrate holidays, heck, even celebrate a drinking day. 

And as luck would have it, the aforementioned friend sent me a quick FB message this evening.  That put a smile on my face.  It's simple, little things, things that we normally take for granted (or at least I always did) that enrich our lives.  Part of me has a huge itch - to do things I normally would never do, to go out tomorrow night (there's gotta be room in some packed pub), to live, and to just be.  To travel, to try a new career, to once again learn how nice it feels to be doing normal things.