Today I met with K. and J. again, two of the three women in this world that I know have the genetic mutation. In anticipation of Thursday's appointment, I had a lot of questions for them. I fear being surgically kicked into menopause overnight. Never having kids. Never having any feeling back. We're lucky in the sense that discoveries are being made in genetics and this knowledge allows us to make decisions so that we can be alive, decrease our risks of cancer. I remember sitting in grade 11 Biology class learning about genetics just as the Human Genome project was taking off, and thinking how cool it would be to find out stuff through one's genes. Never in my wildest dreams did I believe that that would come true for me. And while it certainly is a fascinating science (you can google for your specific mutation and find people you're theoreticallyr elated to), it's not just something that is 'cool' to know. The knowledge can also be a huge burden.
We had frank discussions about everything that could be involved - types of implants (the thought of that still makes me cringe), expanders (have the doctors pump them up each week to whatever size your heart desires, get a free boob job I suppose), switch out surgeries, laparoscopic removal of ovaries and tubes vs. having an incision, abdominal washes, nipple tattoos (really?), the whole bunch. I don't even know what to think anymore, but these two women are a wonderful help in answering the questions currently going through my head.
And you know what? At the end of the night, K., who seems to have taken all of this in stride in her family, said that even though you'll never have the feeling back in certain body parts, you learn to sense it in other areas. Such a hard lesson to learn as a single woman.
Even aside from cancer issues, the last year has been incredibly difficult. There have been losses that have had me shed buckets of tears. Months of nights of crying myself to sleep. I was forced into making a horrible decision when someone threatened to take their life if I decided otherwise. I could never have lived with that guilt, but now I live with another guilt. I had counted on their promised support, though I have yet to see it come to fruition. Perhaps they're scared. I still love them dearly as a friend, and hope that one day they'll be there as a friend again.
Life's been a challenge, but maybe at the end there'll be a big long hug, people will see that forgiveness exists, and there'll be good news.
1 comment:
K. and J. sound like top quality ladies to have in your circle of support!
In the past, in time of need, I have been surprised where the support and compassion came from, yet disappointed it didn't come from where I had hoped or expected it to come from. I realize some people don't know how to show support and they would rather disappear from having to deal with it and take the chance of loosing a friendship. If only they could realize that just being there face to face, without even a spoken word, would mean more than words could describe.
I wonder what a Leo version of your Virgo description would look like! Where did you find this
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