Waiting

The countdown is on for the first genetics appointment tomorrow morning.  I've already done so much research that I don't believe I'll learn much new stuff (or maybe my research ego is too inflated right now :-) ).  I've gone through the statistics, I've read countless scientific studies and clincial trials that were done in the last 10-15 years, read books, as well as peoples' accounts of dealing with the same. 

It'll be tough - very tough.  For the last three mornings I've tossed and turned in bed and been feeling faint almost to the point of collapse.  I think the stress has caught up to me.  I've made some orange juice and got healthy breakfast so that I'll get some decent stuff in me beforehand.  As much as I still like to believe that I've been spared a mutation for one of these two nasty genes, I am also aware of my family history, my mom's medical history, as well as the other factors that get taken into account.  For the first time tonight I felt that even if I get the worst possible news (BRCA1 mutation which gives you an 85% chance of getting breast cancer and 60% chance of ovarian cancer), I would take drastic measures.  Hopefully I won't have to decide in the next year, but I think that if it came down to that I'd let them take out any bodily parts that they want.  Sure, it won't be as I had planned things, but I'll be alive.  Fingers crossed for the best!!!

My mom's neutral on the issue and said she'll do whatever I want.  I love her for that.  My dad, on the other hand, likes to be in denial and would rather not know - rather not know what a diagnosis of ovarian cancer means, what the side effects from the chemo are like, the fact that there are so many pills to take each day, and he certainly does not want me to learn my fate through genetics.  I'm preparing myself for the worst, but hoping for the best.  I don't want my mom to feel guilty about anything.  Quite the contrary, because she's battling all this, I'll have the chance to be one step ahead.

Big breath!