The cancer surgery went very well, but we still don't know the rest. There will be radiation, but will there be chemo? And just as things were settling into a bit of a routine again, two weeks ago it hit me: I was having pain in my left breast, so much so that for a couple of days my clothes hurt against my skin. A burning sensation, a real tenderness that extended into my armpit. I still like to believe that I'm just imagining things. Hoping that it's just hormonal changes or something. I mean, what would be the chances? Nonetheless, I mentioned it to my Dr. as I was there anyways. He sent me for an ultrasound. The sonographer made some comment about my axillary lymph nodes being very large, then leaves the room to 'check the picture'. Little Asian guy, and then he tells me to go - 'ok, no mammogram today'. Mammogram? That's not what I was there for. So now I wait. My Dr. is supposed to call me in the next couple of days. Reading things online isn't good for me. My symptoms could fit those of inflammatory breast cancer (without the external visuals), but what are the chances? But what were the chances that we'd experience two emergency brain surgeries in the family in just as many years?
So now that is out of me, and I can continue with some 'normal'.
Life's been a rollercoaster. Lots of significant things have happened in the last few months that all of a sudden I've recognized some kind of clarity. Challenges have taught me what I want out of life. I've learned what's important, and what's not. Family and friends are precious. Being able to get up, enjoy, and just go about everyday life is precious. Watching the river flow, seeing a child run down the sidewalk, and being able to live here is precious. Other things have become irrelevant. I'm being cured of my workaholic tendencies. Small things that in the past would annoy me, no longer do - things like a mess, things not matching, or things not being done on time. Heck, even poor grammar. Those things simply aren't important. Why waste our energies on them?
Still, there are days right now when things are tough. I'll burst into tears for no apparent reason, feel alone, scared of the future. Yesterday and today were amongst them, but I'll make it through. I feel abandoned by some, and surprised at how others have come forward to lend some support. In a way I wish I had a larger family - relatives, or a brother or sister to turn to. Someone to just get a hug from and not to have to be alone. Someone to have dinner with, someone to share some time with. In the meantime, I've been researching adoption again. Between all these appointments with the oncologist/surgeon, the experience at the hospital and all, I've learned that that's one thing I want - a family. I remember a few years ago a small child running up to me and grabbing my hand. Obviously they mistook me for their mother, but it was one of those moments that has stuck with me ever since - holding a little hand was precious. I always thought that if I were to ever be so lucky and have my own children, that I'd be the strict parent. Experiences over the last while have taught me otherwise. Let them grow, enjoy, praise them, and simply enjoy the moments you have together. But, back to the adoption thing - wait times can be anywhere from 2-5 years. There's a hefty fee involved, even moreso if it involves international paperwork and travel, and being a single woman reduces your chances. I feel that I've finally saved up enough that I could do it and take some time off work. I'm not sure what to do yet. Part of me is selfish - I want to be able to head out on some weekends, or stay up late if I feel like it. It would be hard not to be able to leave the house after 7pm because you have a sleeping baby. Most of my stuff probably gets done after 7pm. Maybe someone should invent part-time parenthood. But then again, having a child come up to you to hold your hand or tell you that they love you - I can't even imagine what that would be like. I just know that I want to experience it and would be willing to give a lot up for it.
So, where am I going with this? I have no idea, this post's probably incoherent, but there are things that I just needed to write down somewhere. I've learned to change my thinking, so am trying to focus more on the positives. Here are my positves for today:
- Having made my own lunch
- Helping others with what they needed to learn at work ... and remaining patient
- Seeing green grass
- Having a Saturday hike to look forward to
- And my new bike to drool over :-). Damn, maybe some day I'll even give in to those cycling pants.
Here's to learning more about myself, getting better direction, and continuing to plow on. I've been trying lots of new things over the last few weeks, so almost out & about every day. I'm thinking of getting back into climbing as well, do a bunch more indoor sessions, then head to outdoor rock. There's an intro to outdoor rock at Yamnuska tomorrow, but unfortunately I can't make it due to the 5pm carpool. Wildflower night on Thursday. Catch up on sleep (or climb?) on Friday, then off to for a long outdoor day on Saturday.
Off to have a nice long soak now, and then embark on my current reading: mountain biking.
P.S. - I'll dump some random things here as I feel like it. The pictures currently at the bottom of the page are in Colorado. If all goes well, I'll try to go there for a few days in June.
No comments:
Post a Comment