Love

For a few months now my life has felt more or less 'normal' again.  I've been able to head out and enjoy things without always being distracted by thoughts of cancer.  I have felt so incredibly fortunate to have been able to take a trip with my Mom to Hawaii.  She has been doing so great!  Since Thanksgiving, though, she has been throwing up immediately after eating, which seems to be a sign of ovarian cancer recurrence. This past Sunday we agreed that she'd go see her doctor if she got another bout of it, and this evening she isn't feeling well.  Again, my life seems turned upside down in an instant.  You feel miserable, you shake, you don't want to eat or drink, your mouth is dry, your heart stars racing.  I am so, so afraid that this is a recurrence.  Terrified really.  At times I feel like I can't deal with cancer anymore.  It's so painful to see her in pain.  So, here is hoping for the best, and hoping that there aren't all these endless waits for test results again - or, best of all, that this still has the chance of being something minor like an ulcer.  I feel alone, wishing there were someone - a sibling, a relative, a boyfriend, a child - to just get a hug from right now.

Fingers crossed for the very best. x